Helping Your Child Survive Your Divorce
by Happy Morris MA, MFT
1. Do not argue or fight in front of, or within hearing distance from your children. This causes severe insecurity, fear and confusion for kids. Children who witness violence in the home are much more likely to become adults who try to use violence to get their way. It models disrespect for each other, disrespect for your marriage, and disrespect for life in general. When you have money business or scheduling time management concerns about your son or daughter, do this in a businesslike manner, away from the kids, over the phone or by e-mail.
2. Reassure your child often that the separation/divorce is NOT HER FAULT. Do not tell your son that you don't want the divorce so it is all the other parent's fault. This sets up confusing issues of loyalty for him, and makes his anxiety even worse.
3. Parents needs to spend quality, one-to-one time with their children. This does not mean just dropping off your daughter at a caretaker's house when it is supposed to be your quality time with the her. It does not mean having her come along on dates with your new love interest. It does mean things like, trips to the park to play, eating at your daughter's favorite restaurant once in a while, reading books or playing games together, or other activities that you can both enjoy.
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Divorce and Attachment Issues
by Shonnie Brown MFT
Alyce came to my separation/divorce group full of shame and regret about her own infidelity and her husband's subsequent decision to end their marriage. The more she delved into her feelings, the more she became aware of panic at her very core. She described feelings of "no longer being tethered to the earth," and "free floating without any ground." Returning each day to an empty house was terrifying. She had lost her "secure base", her attachment object, not realizing that the idea of his simple constant presence in her life was holding her fragile self together despite the quality of their relationship. Her secure base was, in actuality, an illusion.
We confront this illusion regularly in my groups. With divorce recovery, as with any major life loss, developmental processes and normal grief responses are interrupted to the degree that the person is insecurely attached and/or lacking the ability to internalize the image of loved ones. Thinking in terms of attachment theory (John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth) and object relations (Margaret Mahler, etc.), I observe a full range of attachment responses to spousal loss.
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The Affair: Its Effect on Children and the Co-Parenting Relationship Part Two
by Shonnie Brown MFT
The affair--whether physical, emotional or both--has a substantial impact on the entire family unit. Feelings of betrayal are so great when secrecy and deception color a marriage that parents often lose focus on their children's feelings or needs. One's own emotions may pre-empt receiving cues that a child is in trouble. And parental-child boundaries are often violated when a hurting parent confides inappropriately in a child--thus placing that child right in the middle between Mom and Dad.
When an adult discovers a partner's betrayal or just suspects it, it is essential to take some time to respond to the situation rather than react hastily when involving the children. It is way too easy to entangle them with your biased feelings, no matter how appropriate those feelings. Step back until you can place yourself in their shoes. Get support for your adult problem from other adults, then make an age appropriate plan with or without your partner on how and what to tell the kids.
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Some Tips on Fair Fighting
by Happy Morris MFT, MA
1. Speak For Yourself. When we fight with each other it is usually because we feel intensely about a subject. Therefore, speak only from your own feeling place. Use "I" messages and be as clear as possible. For example, "I feel neglected when you are gone much of the time and I want us to figure out a way to spend more time together." This is preferable to statements like, "You're always gone! You don't care about me! What are you doing with all that time anyway?" The latter statements are accusatory in tone and will naturally put the other person on the defensive and only escalate the fight, resulting in more separation of the couple -- the exact opposite of what was desired in the first place.
2. Avoid Blanket Statements. Avoid statements that include "I never", "You always", "You never", "I always", and "You are such a (slob, baby, procrastinator)", "Why are you so (difficult, cranky, unfair)?". These generalizations serve to shut off the flow of communication and further enforce defensiveness.
3. Make an Appointment. Agree on a time and place to discuss a certain subject. This may sound stilted, but it is unfair fighting to entangle your partner in a discussion when he or she is a "captive audience". For instance, don't pick a fight while driving somewhere, when the other person is behind a closed bathroom door, when the other person is asleep. Don't try to discuss something important or pick a fight when you or the other person is under the influence of even a few drinks, marijuana, or any other mood altering substance.
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